


Bad dates and other shenanigans

by lookslikecinnamonrollbutwillkillyou



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Bad dates, Cheating, Crack, Drugs, Fluff, Humor, Murder, Police, This is pure crack, but its just a joke, its almost impassable to tag because it would look angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-23
Updated: 2019-07-23
Packaged: 2020-07-12 00:35:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19937128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lookslikecinnamonrollbutwillkillyou/pseuds/lookslikecinnamonrollbutwillkillyou
Summary: Keith is having a bad day, and an even worse date. Thankfully he has a friend to ask.... well a few friends.There a bit to good at there jobs.





	Bad dates and other shenanigans

Lance was just sitting on his bed rewatching ‘the bachelorette’ for the umpteenth time when his phone buzzed from beside him. So with all the strength he could muster he reached over and pried his eyes away from an extremely dramatic fight between John and Damian about a missing apple from the fruit box that was apparently ‘SOMETHING I HAD BEEN SAVING FOR LUNCH’ according to John.

If was from angry boiiii(TM*)

angry boiiii(TM*): BAD DATE PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!!!!!

Knight in shining shitty armor: omg how bad

angry boiiii(TM*): He is showing me photos of his seven different poodles all with (and I quote) proper British names.

angry boiiii(TM*): He also just told about his lifelong dream of being in the first gay relationship to have over 20 kids.

angry boiiii(TM*): It’s been 45 minutes.

Knight in shining shitty armor: holy shit

Knight in shining shitty armor: omw

Lance jumped in his little blue car (her name is Dr. Blue, and don't forget it she worked hard for her PHD) and was speeding off to the address in less than 30 seconds,  
  
—————  
  
In about 10 minis he had arrived at the little coffee house on the corner of 7th and Waterways, their drinks were overpriced and the pastries so obviously came from a box, he was under no obligation to ever come here again and so an idea hit him. As he approaches the door he took a deep breath and put on his most angry face.

Storming in and rushing past the tired high school Manning the front desk completely ignoring there cries for him to “Please come back, sir”. After a quick search, he found Keith. Sitting across from someone who was respectfully waaaaaaaaayyyyyy below Keith’s batting level.

“YOU CHEATING BITCH” Keith head quickly swiveled so there eyes me, and regret quickly filled his. Well, it's his fault really he did ask 𝘭𝘢𝘯𝘤𝘦 to come and save him. “AFTER ALL I HAVE DONE FOR YOU, AFTER ALL, WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH YOUR JUST GOING TO THROW IT AWAY” the man across from Keith. who was sporting long silver hair and an outrageously purple outfit cleared his thought and hesitantly asked, “Ummm who are you, sir”.

“WHO AM I, WHO AM I” lance to a deep breath for dramatic effect and bellowed “OH I’M ONLY IS FIANCE, NO I TAKE THAT BACK, IM HIS EX NOW. I HOPE YOU ENJOY EXPLAINING TO MY MOTHER WHY SHE WILL NOT BE GETTING THE DEPOSIT BACK ON THAT TRIP TO HAWAII FOR OUR 1 YEAR ANNIVERSARY”

He was about to stomp out giving Keith the perfect opportunity to run after him and subsequently run out when pidge ran into the room “KEITH THE METH LAB CAUGHT ON FIRE AND NOW THE FEDS ARE ONTO US” now everyone, even though who had pointedly been trying to not look were clearly starring. Well if there were ever a time for lances improv classes to kick in now was the time.

he sipped right back around “KEITH DID YOU START DEALING METH AGAIN” Keith now had his head in his hands and had placed his forehead on the table. His body was visibly shaking and lance couldn’t tell if it was from laughter or tears. “I THOUGHT YOU HAD AGREED TO STOP AFTER MY LITTLE BROTHER OVERDOSED” from his left he could hear a lady whisper “oh my lord”. Ok, maybe that one did go a bit far.

But before he had a chance to re-think his actions hunk ran in the door. “KEITH I RAN OVER YOUR DOG IM SORRY, ALSO I THINK HE WAS A SHE BECAUSE IN THE BLOOD AND GUTS WERE LITTLE TINY BABY DOG CORPSES. I TRIED TO SAVE THEM BY GIVING THEM SOME OF PIDGES WEIRD GREENE ‘SECRET SAUCE’ BUT THEY JUST DISINTEGRATED INTO BLOODY SLUDGE” Then in a much quieter voice he added "oh god that's horrible why did I say that" and then moved his hand to his mouth and visibly started tearing up.

Keith raised his head from his fetal position on his chair to probably the and explain himself but right as he was opening his mouth Shiro rushed in through the kitchen entrance “KEITH KOGANE OF TEXAS YOU'RE UNDER ARREST FOR SEVEN MURDERS” Matt soon rushed in behind him. “YA, TODDLER MURDERS” Shiro had to visibly stifle a laugh “YOU MONSTER”

Lance one again took a look around, there was an older woman praying and repeatedly tracing a cross across her chest, a father who was out with what looked like his young daughter he had his hands over her ears and was staring at pidge, and there hat that lance hadn’t even noticed until this point with ‘GAY ASS MOTHER FUCKER’ in rainbow lettering. There were also two college-age kids next to the bathroom entice, one was filming on his phone while the other was visibly shaking with quiet laughter.

Finally, the man that started it all, Keith's shitty date. Who had the most stunned/horrifying/confused/scared look on his face quickly looking between Keith, lance, pidge, hunk, Shiro, and Matt. ok ya they definitely went a little bit overboard.

Then Allura and Corran ran in, lance almost didn’t want to know what Corran had thought up. “KEITH I'M PREGNANT AND IT'S YOUR CHILD” allure shouted at him. “AND SHE IS GOING INTO LABOR” Corran added. “AND IM GOING INTO LABOR,” she said slumping into hunks arms next to her, clutching a comically flat stomach.

"For God's sake your a size two" lance sighed at the dramatics. which in normal circumstances he would have loved, but there was what looked like the owner on the phone, with hopefully not the police. 

Keith finally stood up and pushed out his chair. “I'm never speaking to any of you again.” And as the door slammed behind him Keith date looked around helplessly “will someone please expanse to me what’s going on.” Pidge looked him s̶t̶r̶a̶i̶g̶h̶t̶ gay in the face and said: "apparently you'r a shitty date and our friend doesn’t know to group chat text his crazy friends when he needs saving from a bad date instead of individually, apparently”.


End file.
